Breaking new ground #1 : Zines

$100 and a T-shirt is the best documentary about zines I've seen.  It's actually a 45 minute doc, from the late 1990's or early 2000's, I think, from the Pacific Northwest.  But this is only a 5 minute promo for it.  I can't find the full documentary on YouTube anymore.  Zines are what turned me from a dreamer into a doer.  Publishing my first zine changed the course of my life, for the better, though it may not seem like that to a lot of people, looking at my life now.  

This blog you're reading, Steve Emig: The White Bear, is creeping up on the 1,000 blog post mark.  I've published well over 2,800 blog posts total, across more than 50 blog ideas I've tried, since 2008.  About a week ago I noticed I was getting close to 1,000 posts, and I started wondering how to best celebrate this milestone.  My original Freestyle BMX Tales blog, published from 2009-2012, got to just over 500 posts (here's FBMXT version 3).  This blog, which I honestly thought hardly anyone would read when I started it in 2017, is now nearly double that.  

After thinking about the 1,000 post milestone for a few days, I decided to write a series of posts about some of the things I've done that broke some new ground, in some way.  Looking back now, from age 57, some things in my life seem like they were meant to happen.  Over the years, I was drawn to several ideas and trends early on in their existence, the weird little sport of BMX freestyle being one of them, in 1983.  This sounds weird now, as a fat, middle-aged, broke, homeless guy.  But there were a bunch of times in my life where I got into something early on, or had an idea and acted on it, in some trend that got much bigger later as time passed.  I've written about some of these things in this blog, but in bits and pieces over several years.  

Writing and self-publishing is another one of those things.  I published my first Xerox zine, as we called them back then, in September of 1985.  Xerox (pronounced ZEER-ox, kids) was the best known brand of photocopy machines, which we used to copy pages for our zines.  Somewhere in one of the early issues of FREESTYLIN' magazine, editor Andy Jenkins talked about zines.  He said there were some skateboarders, and a few BMX freestylers, that self-published little, handmade booklets, about their local scenes.  I didn't dream of being a writer when I was a kid.  I liked taking photos, but I didn't even have a 35mm camera.  I took pretty good snapshots.  Something about the idea of making a zine appealed to me.  I thought about publishing a zine for several months.  I drew pictures, and designed what it the cover page would look like, while living in Boise, Idaho, in 1985.  But I didn't actually make a zine.  I just thought about making a zine.  That's what I did as a kid.  I had big ideas, and I daydreamed all the time.  I thought about doing cool stuff, and then I didn't actually do it.  

I graduated from high school in Boise, Idaho, in 1984, and didn't have any money to go to college.  So I decided to "take a year off."  I worked one job all summer, then worked at a big Mexican restaurant and lived at home, through 1984 and into 1985.  My dad got laid off in the spring of 1985, and soon found a new job, in San Jose, California.  He flew there and started working.  My mom and my sister moved there in June, right after her school was out.  I worked my summer job in Boise, managing a tiny amusement park called The Fun Spot, and rented a room at my best friend's house.  The Fun Spot closed for the season in the middle of August, right before school started up again.  Once that job was over, I packed up my ugly, brown, gigantic, 1971 Pontiac Bonneville, and drove solo down to San Jose.  Just over a year out of high school, and a month and a half after my 19th birthday, I moved in with my parents and sister in San Jose, a place that was just beginning to be called Silicon Valley.  

I didn't have any money for college, so "taking a year off" turned into a second year.  I got a job at a local Pizza Hut, working the evening shift.  I knew there were some pro riders, and a bunch of good amateur freestylers, in the Bay Area, but didn't know any of them, or where to find them.  The San Francisco Bay area is huge, and this was long before the internet.  So I decided to finally publish a BMX freestyle zine, as a way to meet other freestylers.  

I had never actually seen a real zine, I only read about them in FREESTYLIN' magazine.  I used some photos from a trip to Venice Beach for an AFA contest that summer, and spent a few days making my first zine.  I put a few copies each in several bike shops that carried BMX bikes.  The idea worked, I met some riders who lived in San Jose, John Vasquez and his friends.  They told me when and where the meet-ups happened with other riders from the region.  I started making it to the Beach Park ramp jams, and later to Golden Gate Park on the weekends, when possible.  I became the "zine guy" for that scene, from late 1985 into mid 1986.  

I published that first zine, San Jose Stylin', shooting photos with a Kodak 110 Instamatic camera, and typing on a 1940's era, manual (as in NOT electric), Royal typewriter, that I bought for $15 at the swap meet.  The first couple of issues were just three pages, black and white copies, with stories and photos on both sides, and stapled in the upper left hand corner, like a test at school.  Then someone told me zines, generally, were folded in half, like little books.  Around issue #3, I started laying my zine out sideways on typing paper, and folding them into book-style zines.  I soon bought an extra long stapler to complete the zine publisher's kit.  I used that Royal typewriter, and one single silk ribbon, for all 11 issues of San Jose Stylin'.  

When I made it up to the Beach Park Ramp Jam, at the shop where Skyway pro, Robert Peterson worked, I met pros, Peterson, Maurice Meyer, Dave Vanderspek, and amateurs John Ficarra, Chris and Karl Rothe, Darcy Langlois, and a few other riders, on that first trip.  I handed out my zines.  All the guys said, "Cool... when's the next one come out?"  My reply was, "Next one?"  My whole idea with the zine was to use it as an excuse to meet the other riders of the Bay Area, so I'd have other freestylers to ride with on the weekends.  I didn't really think about doing more zines after that. 

This is one early lesson about both zines, and about meeting your heroes, or people you look up to in some way.  It's always cool to have a gift, even a really small one, when you meet people, particularly famous people, or people you want to get to know.  A gift of some kind sets you apart when you meet people.  A zine, even a sketchy one, was a cool gift to BMX freestylers in those days.  In September of 1985, there were maybe 4 or 5 freestylers publishing zines, across the country.  They usually only made copies for their group of friends, and maybe a few to trade with other zine publishers.  So most freestylers had never seen a zine, or maybe only a couple of them.  

Another good thing about zines (and blogs, podcasts, and YouTube channels today), is that they give you a great excuse to interview people you want to meet.  Now, decades later, in adult life, I see this on YouTube channels all the time.  People start podcasts and YouTube channels as an excuse to meet people in sports, business, tech, or some subculture, that they personally want to meet.  Even famous people do this.  Race car driver Danika Patrick has a podcast, called Pretty Intense, where, as famous as she is already, interviews people in all kinds of other areas of life that she's interested in.  

Lots of other people do the same.  That's what I did with my zine in late 1985 and early 1986.  I interviewed Skyway and Curb Dogs pro freestylers like Dave Vanderspek, Maurice Meyer, Robert Peterson, Hugo Gonzales, Rick Allison, and several more of the NorCal riders.  I wrote about the contests we went to.  I shot photos of those guys, first on my little Kodak Instamatic, and later with a 35mm Pentax.  In the process, I got to know those guys, beyond just being one of the amateurs riding with them on the weekends.   

My zine just kind of evolved naturally.  One really good idea I had early on was to send my zines to the real BMX magazines, in Southern California.  But I didn't just send one copy to each magazine. I sent one copy to each person on the editorial staff, and the photographers, too, I think.  My thought was, to have them getting my zine in the mail, and checking their own personal copy out in their office.  Then, on a coffee brake or lunch, they would tell the others, "I got this zine today from this kid named Steve up in San Jose, it's pretty cool."  I wanted them to not only have a copy of my zine, but to talk about my zine, with each other.  This turned out to have effects I never imagined.

In addition to handing out zines to the local NorCal freestylers, and mailing them to the staff at the four BMX magazines at the time, I made extra copies to take to freestyle contests, where I handed them out to other pros and the people I wanted to meet.  This is also how I met other zine publishers at first.  We traded zines at contests. Then we would mail copies of our zines to each other later on.  Zine publishers was a tiny subculture, within the larger subculture of BMX freestyle.  By issue 11 of San Jose Stylin', I had a snail mail list of over 120 people across the U.S. that I was sending zines to.  None of them paid me, they just wrote and asked for a zine.  I was spending half of the $450 a month I made at Pizza Hut on publishing and mailing my zines, and on long distance phone charges, which were a thing in the 1980's. 

 My life, for that year of late 1985 into mid 1986, was to wake up late, and often run errands with my mom, or do any chores around the house.  Then I'd go ride solo for 2-3 hours every day, in the early afternoon.  I'd go home, take a shower, and go work from about 5 pm until midnight, at Pizza Hut, five nights a week.  Most of that year I was the shift supervisor for the night shift.  All during my shift, I'd be chugging little cups of Pepsi or Mountain Dew (No Coke at Pizza Hut).  I got home, often riding my bike the mile and a half, after midnight, wired on caffeine.  I would do a few balance tricks in my bedroom on my bike, and then work on my zine, either typing, transcribing interviews (off audio cassettes), or laying the zine out with Scotch tape on pieces of typing paper.  When an issue was done, then I'd do the folding and stapling, and labeling the copies that got mailed.  To be honest, it's a good thing I got the job at FREESTYLIN', because I could not have afforded to keep publishing San Jose Stylin' much longer on my Pizza Hut wages.  It was eating up half of my meager pay.

Eleven monthly issues of San Jose Stylin' landed me a job at Wizard Publications, home of BMX Action and FREESTYLIN' magazines, in the summer of 1986.  Remember my idea of sending a copy to each of the editorial guys at the magazines, that helped with the Wizard Publications guys.  With a bike, a suitcase, and $80, I got on a plane in San Jose, and flew off to a new life in SoCal.  I was so nervous about starting work there, that I got the hives really bad, and wore long sleeve shirts to work for about a week, until they went away.  That was about three weeks after my 20th birthday.  Without ever going to a single college class, at age 20, I was replacing a guy with an English degree, and suddenly responsible for proofreading two magazines each month, among more mundane duties.  Getting the job offer was totally because of my zine.  

Once I got to Wizard Publications, I was suddenly working with two experienced zine publishers, Andy Jenkins and Gork (editor of BMX Action at the time), and one zine connoisseur, Mark "Lew" Lewman.  It was only then that they showed me how to really have fun and do zine-style Xerox art, blowing up and shrinking and distorting letters and photos.  While my first zine had solid content, it flat out sucked in the design category.  I got to practice Xerox art while working at the AFA later on, as editor and photographer of their newsletter, and with the 30 or more zines I've published since 1986.  From 3 full size, 81/2" X 11" pages, (12 zine pages) for that first zine, I've published several zines that clocked in at 48 pages or more, which are basically little, handmade books.  You can put a hell of a lot of content in 48 or 52 zine pages.  My first poetry zine in 1992 was over 80 pages, and bound with duct tape.

More than anything, publishing that first zine, month after month, turned me from a big daydreamer into someone who could actually finish projects.  After a while, actually starting... and finishing projects, became a habit.  Sure, they were small projects, but I became a guy who did things, I didn't just think about them.  That made a huge difference in my life.  Maybe I wasn't doing really big things, but as a zine publisher, I began to actually do projects.  

I've been doing that ever since, at one level or another.  And little projects add up, over time.  Publishing one blog post isn't a big project.  But it's a project.  I've published well over 2,800 posts now, plus another 50+ longer posts/essays, on my Substack.  

However sketchy my living situation may be these days, I actually am one of the most prolific bloggers on the whole fucking planet.  For real.  Seth Godin is the most prolific blogger I know of, but it's hard to find any other single bloggers that have written thousands of blog posts actual original content, no one seems to keep stats on the most prolific bloggers.  But with 2,800+ posts written, I'm up there, probably in the top 1/10th of 1% of the 600 million blogs online.  And it all started with publishing a six page zine, 39 years ago, because I wanted to meet some BMX freestylers in San Jose.  Like the tortoise and hare fable, slow and steady work really adds up as the years go by.  

I only lasted a few months at BMX Action and FREESTYLIN' magazines, I was a really moody, uptight, dork then, and not the right fit for that business.  They hired 17-year-old Spike Jonze after I left, he was the right fit for Wizard Publications.  Meanwhile, I was editor of the American Freestyle Association newsletter for most of 1987, so I didn't publish any zines then.  Then I got a job at Vision's video company, Unreel Productions.  After a few months, I got the urge to do a new zine.  So I started a zine called Periscope, and published a few issues over the next couple of years.  The idea behind Periscope was that everyone sees the world differently, like a submarine commander looking through a periscope.  So that zine was my little view of the world during that era.  I've published somewhere over 40 separate zines, including the 11 issues of San Jose Stylin'.  As I write this blog post, I have a master copy of my latest zine in my backpack right now, which I haven't made any copies of yet.  

My most popular zine ever was The White Bear's Very, Very Unofficial Guide to Huntington Beach.  I published that zine in 2007, I think, for passengers in my taxi.  Back then, every summer, maybe 300 college age Irish kids came to Huntington Beach for the summer.  They lived with 8-10 guys and girls renting one house or apartment, to keep rent cheap, and they all found local jobs.  I kept picking them up in my taxi, and they were always asking where different things were.  So I made a zine that had a whole bunch of the history of Huntington Beach, and also listed the best restaurants, dive bars, clubs nearby, weird places, and different stores and stuff.  I actually learned a lot about H.B. while making the zine myself.  I handed those zines out, over 250 of them, that summer.  People heard about the zines, and would come up to my taxi when I was sitting downtown.  "Are you the guy who wrote that book about H.B?  Can I get one?"  I probably spent $350 publishing those zines, and got $2,000 or $2,500 worth of taxi rides from it.  That's the one time a zine made me money.  

When I started publishing zines in 1985, the only zines I had ever heard of were BMX freestyle and skateboarding zines.  Then I heard that the "zine thing" started with punk rock fanzines in the late 1970's.  In the 1990's, zine culture exploded.  While I was making BMX freestyle zines, and 1980's skaters were making skateboard zines, and punkers were making punk zines, the whole idea of zines spread.  I remembered Thomas Paine's "anonymous pamphlet" called Common Sense, that was self-published and played a role in the American Revolution.  We all learn about this as kids in school, and it could definitely be compared to a zine in its day.  Ben Franklin published Poor Richard's Almanac, which I wouldn't call a zine, but he also published less popular things, and so did other people who had access to a printing press in the 1700's.  So DIY (Do It Yourself) writing and self-publishing has been around as long as the printing press, invented way back in 1440.

But the true roots of modern zines seem to have been rooted in 1920's and 1930's science fiction fanzines, what we might call fan fiction today on the internet.  In the 1960's, there were zines called "chapbooks" with beat poetry or maybe political or activist ideas.  Then came the punk rock fanzines of the 1970's, leading into the hardcore punk and DIY spirit as a key element of punk rock.  Those fanzines inspired all kinds of weirdos, like myself, who began to write and publish all kinds of zines, including BMX freestyle and skateboarding, in the 1980's.  A bit later came the feminist world of Riot Grrrl zines in the early 1990's, along with many other niche zines, from subcultures like activists, vegans, LGBTQ, and others.  

In those years right before the internet came along, the early and mid 1990's, there were so many zines being published, that a magazine listing and reviewing zines, called Factsheet 5, was available on newsstands.  The Factsheet 5 database ultimately had over 10,000 different zines listed and reviewed in it.  Zine culture got its own theme song in 1998 with the release of Harvey Danger's song "Flagpole Sitta," where the singer sings that he wants to publish zines, among other things.  

Then came the mass adoption of the internet, and first blogs, even before "Flagpole Sitta" hit the charts, and we all thought the zine days were over.  I mean, why spend the time and money to actually type up, print out, put together, and distribute zines, when you can potentially reach half of the population of the Earth, by publishing a website or a blog, for free?  

As much as I like blogs, because they are easy, free, and can incorporate video and audio, it turns out blogs and zines are very different animals.  You can't physically hand someone a blog.  There's a weird kind of fun and craftiness about actually making a zine by hand.  And people read zines.  Blogs are much more hit and miss.  With a blog, you have to not only publish it, but you have to do SEO (Search Engine Optimization), continually direct traffic to it, and keep active on social media to promote your blog, so readers will actually find it.  Plus, your latest blog post is fighting for attention against the other 12 million blog posts published today, among the 600 million or so blogs already out there online.  

You can make a zine, hand it to someone, and chances are they will read it, cover to cover, sooner or later.  Even people who don't read much, will read a zine.  Zines are much, much less intimidating to read than a book.  All of that means that there is still a place for zines, and they still work well in all kinds of subcultures, for niche groups of people.  Zines are still popular in groups ranging from BMXers to graphic designers to comic artists, to today's version of the 90's Riot Grrrrls, independent writers and thinkers, poets, artists, and 20 other flavors of activists.  Just today, working on this blog post, I learned that Amy Poehler directed the movie Moxie in 2019, where a high school girl sees her mom's zines (90's Riot Grrrl stuff), and starts her own zine.  I haven't seen the movie, but the trailer makes it look like a zine-inspired feminist revolution takes place at her high school.   

Anyhow, now thirty years into the internet age, as Web 2 is fighting Web 3, and people even I think are old still run way too many businesses and much of national politics, zines still have a place in the world.  There will always be independent thinkers and writers, and all kinds of subcultures and niche groups.  Zines are a good way to cover those scenes.  And I, for one, love that.  

Publishing a zine changed my life, mostly just by teaching me that I can have a good idea, and put it out in a way some people can check it out, tosee if the idea catches on.  Some ideas do, and some don't.  Zines were a really fringe thing when I made my first one, 39 years ago.  Zines are always fringe, and always a way for DIY thinking to get out to a small audience.  Actually publishing zines is a great way to begin to share ideas on all kinds of niche subjects, and zines play a role that blogs, websites, podcasts, and YouTube channels just can't play.  While blog posts, podcasts, and YouTube videos are quickly forgotten, zines are treasured items.  They get tossed into boxes, the backs of sock drawers, and other places, where they often get rediscovered months or years later.  

One of my favorite magazines of the 1990's, the Asian pop culture publication Giant Robot, began as a Xerox zine.  I bought a re-pop version of Issue #1, with a sleeping Sumo wrestler on the cover, at a zine convention in the 1990's.  That first issue was an epic zine, and the beginning of a whole Asian culture movement and popularity trend.  Giant Robot lives on now as a shop and art gallery.

To bring this full circle, I was one of the early zine publishers in the new sport of BMX freestyle, in the mid 1980's.  San Jose Stylin' was listed as the top BMX freestyle zine in the U.S. in the August 1986 issue of FREESTYLIN' magazine, which also contained my first freelance article.  Just for the record, Mat Hoffman's very first editorial photo was in that article.  For real. Cool coincidence. 

BMX freestyle was only a couple of years old as a competitive sport when I published my first zine.  I was one of the early pioneers of BMX freestyle zines, and still love both BMX freestyle and zines, decades later.  Zine publishing is one of the things BMX freestyle led me to, that I got into early, and learned a lot from.  I lost my zine collection in 2008 (with everything else from my BMX life), but I'll keep putting out zines now and then well into the future.  I got to watch zine culture grow and spread, and keep going even with the internet and billions of web pages.  That's pretty cool.  

Here are some other videos and an essay about zines...

The History of Zines with Kate Bingaman-Burt  (Look at the still shot of this video) 

Zines and the Punk Side of Publishing

A Brief History of Zines

Riot Grrrl: The 90's Movement that Redefined Punk

The Wonderful World of Zines - a written post on my Substack with more of my thoughts on zines

Shout out to Brian Reed, though I forget the name of his zine, he's the one zine publisher from that era, that I traded zines with, and am still in contact with today.  

I've been doing a lot of more in depth writing on a platform called Substack.  Check it out:

Steve Emig The White Bear's Substack

Check out my writing on Substack

Here's a clip of Joe Rogan interviewing Substack founder Chris Best, on the JRE podcast.  Substack is a platform designed for writers and readers.  Writers can write and publish on Substack, and readers can find the work on the website, or subscribe either for free content, or behind a paywall.  When readers subscribe, the posts, or newsletters, are sent to their email.  The platform is set up for writers to publish the original work they're really passionate about, and be able to make a living at it, if they can draw a big enough paid audience.  For lesser known writers, it's a place to publish and build an email list, and have the potential to start charging for their work at some point.  

You can check out my Substack page, and subscribe if you like, at this link:

Steve Emig: The White Bear's Substack

I started my first zine with a manual (as in NOT electric) typewriter, almost identical to this one above, except mine was the "travel model" built into a little suitcase.  It was the laptop of its day, made for traveling journalists and writers.  It was a 1930's or 1940's era Royal.  I bought the typewriter for $15 at the San Jose Swap Meet.  I published 11 issues of my first zine with that typewriter, which landed me a job at BMX Action and FREESTYLIN' magazines, drawing me into the BMX industry.   Public domain photo.

I'm 57 years old now, and I've been self-publishing my writing for 38 years, since I started my first BMX freestyle zine, in September of 1985.  I wasn't trying to be a writer then, I was 19, and had just moved to San Jose, California, from Boise, Idaho, with my family.  I didn't have .  Armed with an ancient Royal typewriter, and a Kodak 110 instamatic camera, I published my first zine.  When I met Bay Area riders, they said, "This is cool, when the next one coming out?" I said, "Next one?  So I went to work on making another zine, and wound up being the zine guy for the Bay Area freestyle scene in late 1985 and half of 1986, putting out 11 issues of San Jose Stylin'.  

I spent a few months working at Wizard Publications, doing some writing, all the proofreading, but working mostly as an assistant for the other editors and our photographer.  I wasn't the right fit at Wizard, and they laid me off.  I got a job as editor and photographer for the AFA (American Freestyle Association) newsletter, for most of 1987.  More writing, and shooting mediocre photos with my 35 mm Pentax.  That job led to producing some videos for the AFA, which led me to a job a Unreel Productions, the Vision Skateboards/Vision Street Wear video company, in December of 1987.  

While I learned how videos were made at Unreel, working as everybody's production assistant there, I had some time and money, and I was starting to think of myself as a writer.  I was writing poetry, but not telling anyone about it, thanks to a former girlfriend who was a singer in a local rock band.  Trying to write her a hit song led to writing "lyrics."  After she dumped me, I realized that when you don't have a band, "song lyrics" are actually poems.  I had become a closet poet, and public zine publisher through the late 1980's and early 1990's.  Somewhere in that period, I started journaling, and trying to be a "real" writer.  Like every wannabe writer in their 20's, I planned to become a famous writer by writing a bestselling book, or maybe a hit movie screenplay, at some point.  That didn't happen.  But I kept writing.

What did happen is that I began to write, mostly in my journal, on a regular basis.  Through the 1990's, I put out a handful of zines, mostly about BMX, but with other bits that interested me.  In 1992, inspired by a Henry Rollins poetry book my roommate showed me, I published my first zine of poetry.  Coming out of the poet closet, and putting my mushiest thoughts and feelings out in public scared the shit out of me.  I gave a copy to one of the American Gladiators, who I worked with.  A crew guy on the show named Lico, a Mexican American hippy and diehard Grateful Dead fan, said my stuff reminded him or Jack Kerouac.  Much to my surprise, several people actually liked my poetry.  That first poetry zine, published in 1992, also earned me the nickname The White Bear, which, I took as my poetry penname for a while.  

All together, In the 1980's and 1990's, I published over 35 zines, was a staff writer for four BMX magazines, and contributed words or photos to four more.  In the early and mid 2000's, I was working mostly as a taxi driver, and most of my writing was journaling, though I put out a few zines.  My most popular zine ever, The White Bear's Very, Very Unofficial Guide to Huntington Beach, is one I published in 2006 (I think).  I handed out over 250 copies of that 48 page zine in my taxi, to passengers, and H.B. locals.  That's the only zine that ever made me money.  I probably made about $1,500 in taxi rides from people who called me, form my name and number on the zine.  There are about 300 Irish kids, all college age, who came to Huntington Beach every summer, and they kept asking where different things were.  So I made the zine as a guide book, and looked up a whole bunch of H.B. history, like the old 1920's brick jail cells behind the Longboard bar downtown, across the alley.  Locals started seeing the zine, and that whole summer people would walk up to my taxi when I was parked down town, and ask, "Can I get one of those little H.B books?"  

In 2007, I discovered blogs.  I used to pay $5 an hour to get on the internet at the Huntington Beach library, because I didn't have my own computer.  I started a blog about taxi driving.  It completely sucked.  My health was getting really bad because of all the weight I gained driving a cab.  I got cellulitis, a severe leg infection, three times, and the first bout nearly killed me.  At the same time, the taxi business was dying, and so was I, so I had to quit.  That sucked, because my taxi was my source of income, my transportation, and I lived in it.  

I wound up living on the streets of Orange County, CA, for a year, unable to find work, and panhandling to survive.  Eventually I accepted my family's offer of a plane ticket to North Carolina.  I'd never lived there, and I didn't want to, I grew up in Ohio and Idaho mostly, I had no connection to NC.  My parents and my sister's family just wound up there years after I moved out.  

As the U.S. plunged into the Great Recession, in November of 2008, I wound up living in my parent's spare bedroom, in a tiny apartment, in a small town, in central North Carolina.  I couldn't find any job, I was broke, living with my mellow dad and my mom, who I never got along with.  I was fat, broke, didn't have a BMX bike, living in a toxic household again, and completely depressed.  But my parents' computer was in my room.  It was the first time I ever had full time access to the internet.  So after a couple weeks of surfing the web and watching too much porn, I decided to start a blog, about my time in the BMX industry.  I started a blog called FREESTYLIN' Mag Tales.  I knew nothing about the internet, or online communities.  I didn't know how to do tags, or even upload a photo.  I was basically a tech Luddite, but needed some creative outlet to keep from going completely insane in NC.  I wrote little stories about working at FREESTYLIN' magazine.  I thought the internet was like this big black hole, a void with weird little web pages just kind of floating around out in the void.  So I wrote little stories about working at the magazines, and set them adrift, out there in the interwebs.  

After about 30 posts, one post went viral in the Old School BMX Freestyle community online.  I didn't even know there was an Old School BMX community online.  Friends, and riders I didn't even know, started emailing, and telling me to keep writing my weird BMX stories.  So I did.  Since early December of 2008, I've written over 2,500 blog posts, and tried at least 50 different blog ideas out.  I've pulled in somewhere over 450,000 page views in the 14 years since.  To top it off, I just contributed to one of the articles in Greystoke magazine, the first Old School BMX magazine, which just came out.  I was stoked to be asked to do that.  

I not only couldn't find a good job in North Carolina, I couldn't find any job.  I couldn't get hired as a gas station cashier or anything.  Because of that, from sometime in 2009 on, I've been trying to figure out how to make a living as a writer in the 21st  century.  It's a completely different world from the 1980's, when magazines dominated.  Now it's about self-publishing, and "building your own brand," and then finding some way to "monetize your audience."  I found an audience in the Old School BMX freestyle world, but haven't figured out the monetize part.    

I've come full circle as a writer.  I've spent 38 years writing about things I'm interested in, and putting much of that work out in the world, in some way, a DIY self publisher since way back.  In those 38 years, I've been an actual paid writer for less than two years.  

Just over a month ago, I found Substack, a platform designed for people who love to write, and think they have something to say to the world.  I tried it out, and spent the last month figuring out how my writing and ideas would fit into the parameters of this new platform.  I've got about 20 posts on Substack, most of them pretty long, and on a single subject.  Only one is about BMX.  This is where I'm going to do most of my writing from now on.  

There will be some BMX stuff, but there will be a whole lot of other ideas, as well.  I will still be writing stuff on this blog, just less stuff, and mostly BMX or action sports related.  If you want to check out my Substack page, the link is below.  You can subscribe, which just means you'll be added to my email list, and each post will go into your email box.  You can check them out, or delete them, like all the other crap emails we all get.  Thanks for checking out this blog, and reading some of my stuff.  Hit me up on Facebook with any thoughts, comments, or ideas.  To all of the freaks, geeks, dorks, and weirdos who read my blogs, thanks, and keep on rockin' it.  Here's the link to Substack again.  There's lots more to come...

Steve Emig: The White Bear's Substack

57 years on planet Earth... wandering

Kansas' hit song, "Carry on Wayward Son," is a song I used to run to the radio to turn up as a kid.  Growing up in a really tense household, it always seemed like these guys were singing just to me.  "Hang on kid, just carry on, it'll make sense some day."

I've always loved wandering.  My family moved nearly every year when I was a kid, which I eventually realized was due more to our family's dysfunction, than my dad finding a new job.  When we landed in a new place, I would start wandering the new neighborhood, the local woods, and the area around.  I did this as far back as I can remember, even at about 5 years old.  I would wander off into the woods, along a creek, through the cornfields, or whatever was around.  

To me wandering is the essence of exploring, going off in a direction, with no goal in mind.  I'd head off one place, and see something off in the distance, and wonder what it was, or what was beyond it. So I'd head that way.  When I got to that point, I amble around a bit and explore the area.  Before long, something else would catch my eye, off in another direction.  I'd head off that way.  There were times later on, on a family camping trip in Ohio, in the desert of southeastern New Mexico, or the miles and miles of open sagebrush country Boise, Idaho, or on my BMX bike, around San Jose or Southern California, where I'd walk 8 or 10 miles, or ride 15 or 20, just exploring by myself.  I still wander on a regular basis.

BMX freestyle led me to Southern California, and to writing.  My wandering went inward as well, at age ten I remember pondering whether our lives were predetermined or whether we actually had free will, since I couldn't make too many of my own decisions then.  I wandered through a few hundred books over the course of my life.  I've also wandered into my own thoughts, good and bad.  I wandered through a weird series of odd jobs, from menial restaurant work, to a couple of BMX magazines, into working as a TV show crew guy, sweating as a furniture mover, producing and editing a bunch of BMX and skateboard videos, and driving a taxi for years, among other things.  I feel now that my working life has come full circle.  I stumbled into writing with my first zine, in 1985, and soon worked at BMX Action and FREESTYLIN', and then for almost a year at the AFA newsletter.  I was just starting to think of myself as a writer then.  Then I went out into the world, wandering, for about 30 years.  I somehow came full circle, back to the San Fernando Valley, where I first started "getting serious" about writing, back in 1991.

Looking back now, from well into my fifth decade of life on Earth, that it couldn't have happened much differently.  Obscure little things that happened, and lessons learned at one weird job or another, made sense, or came into play, many years later.  While most people see me as a homeless loser who can't seem to get his shit together, it's much different from my point of view.  I've lived the last four years, through the whole pandemic, on the streets of L.A. county, mostly.  I live and sleep and wander alone, without a weapon.  My average night, with the multitude of "street zombies" shuffling by, tweekers, crackheads, and crazy motherfuckers of many varieties, my nights would scare the shit out of most people.  Yet I manage to get a reasonable night's sleep, all in all.

I wake up, get something to eat, and sit in the early morning light doing my own weird little meditation.  I once was a kid with a never ending string of fears running through my head.  I was afraid of everything.  Now I can empty my mind, for short periods, to a point of no thoughts at all, only sensations oozing through it, mostly traffic sounds.  I then pack up my stuff, go to my favorite fast food place, and suck down  some iced tea.  I never drank coffee, and recently gave up my long Diet Coke addiction.  Iced tea, usually with some lemonade, is my caffeine fix now.

Then I come here to the library, or some other place I can get online, and write.  I look up things that interest me.  I do some research along the way.  I write blog posts about things that I'm actually interested in.  And, I have some people read what I wrote, day after day after day.  My blogs have steady readers.  Not a huge amount, but some, day after day.  Later on I may draw for a while, or spend an hour or two reading.  This is what I love.  This is why I'm here.  I just don't make a living at it... yet.  

As hard as it is to imagine for most people, I didn't fuck up.  Every blog post I write, well over 2,500 of them now, is the result of of 57 years of wandering the physical world, the world of books, speeches and YouTube videos, and other content, and the world of thoughts and ideas.  57 years of this crazy path are behind every sentence I write, every picture I draw.  My life makes sense now, in a way it never did 35 years ago.  

And there's more to come.  Hopefully a lot more.  Time will tell.   

I've started a new blog, looking into ideas for side gigs, and small businesses.  Check it out.

Small Business Futurist

As of late 2023, I'm doing most of my writing on Substack, a platform designed for writers.  Check it out:  

Steve Emig: The White Bear's Substack

How Fight Club (story and movie) were written

Looking up other stuff, I ran across this short video about how the short story/novella, "Fight Club," was written, by Chuck Palahniuk, and then the movie script, by the screenwriter Jim Uhls.  I love the movie, and have read the original story.  13 minutes, cool video.  

Create the things you want to see in the world

For some reason, this video popped in my mind to go along with the nebulous, partially formed idea  for today's blog post.  I've learned enough in my (almost) 53 years on this planet, to know that intuitive spark means my post, though not yet fully thought out, not yet written, will tie in with the message Peter Dinklage gives in this short, but incredibly powerful video.  That's how the Universe works.  It's cool like that.

"The greatest words on written page, only come to life when you're on stage."

- Me, line from "Actress," a poem a wrote for my sister's best friend in about 1995.  That talented woman, a serious actor at heart, is now mom of two kids who happen to have some of the most successful channels on YouTube

The job, the real job, of writers, is to find new ideas that society needs at a particular point in time, and present those ideas in some form of text, so that the ideas are drawn out into society, and acted on... hopefully.  That can be done in many ways, in straight forward non-fiction, in personal blogs or zines or self-published ebooks.  Or those ideas can be woven into fictional stories and published as novels, plays or TV shows or movies.  The hardest part of writing, I've found, is to simply be able to survive, preferably with a roof over my head and enough food, while doing the time consuming work of thinking, and then writing.

Yesterday was four weeks that I've been back in Southern California, and tomorrow will be 30 days, a month.  For a month I've had a roof over my head, thanks to Rich at Block Bikes.  I can take showers, I have a room nearby, where I can sleep inside, I'm not out in the elements, like I was for most of the last two years.  I have a refrigerator and cupboards to store food.  I'm doing work to promote the new Block online bike store website.  But Block is a high caliber bike shop, it's not some huge corporation that can throw me a huge salary while building a brand new division.  So I'm living on a very small income, as we build up the online store into a successful business.  The Block Bikes online store, is a big, broad, major website, and it's going to take a solid year or year and a half to build something that large into a well known, popular, and profitable business.  It's a long term thing.

So while I have a stable, but temporary, place to stay for now, I still have to build an income on my own, if I'm going to build my life back into something close to a typical life.  I need to do that while helping Block get to where it needs to be.  I've spent most of the the last two years homeless, to be able to focus on my main talents.  I needed to live as cheap as possible, since there was no one willing to invest in me, to really build my art and writing into a business.  Homelessness was the best option, as crazy as that sounds. 

Most people think that homelessness ends when a homeless person gets a roof over their head.  Actually, that's not the case.  Homelessness, and the struggling mentaility that helps a person survive it, ends when a homeless person gets a room to rent, or an apartment, AND they have a stable income, high enough to keep that place indefinitely, barring an unexpected tragedy.  Homelessness really ends when a homeless person is confident they won't be homeless again, unless something really crazy happens.  I'm now at the top level of homelessness, similar to someone who's found a job, but is staying in a weekly motel or halfway house, working towards their own place, their own space.  I'm almost there, but I need to build a big enough, stable income, that will allow me to get my own apartment, a car, the basic stuff needed, and finally (hopefully) stabilize. 

The one thing that hasn't changed over the last month is my frantic, dawn to dusk work, to build a foundation, to build my own income, as well as building the awareness and online presence of the Block Bikes online store.  This blog hit the 70,000 page view threshold about a week ago, making it my second most popular blog, trailing only Freestyle BMX Tales.  Meanwhile, the Block Bikes Blog will be 2 months old tomorrow, and it has over 3,000 page views, more than 5 times what this blog saw in its first two months.  I'm off to a really good start on those things. 

I've also been building the Block Bikes Pinterest page.  I got interested in Pinterest when I started seriously promoting my Sharpie art.  I googled "Sharpie art," and saw that half of the pictures that came up were from Pinterest.  I've since learned that Pinterest has 250 million viewers a month, and they are largely higher income, and they actually buy stuff.  So while everyone is stroking their egos by posting B.S. on Instagram, the people who want to actually sell things online are learning the ins and outs of Pinterest, and putting it to work. 

Once I started building a personal Pinterest page, which included my art, I found I just like sitting down in the evenings, and looking through cool photos, and adding to my collections, my Pinterest boards. Google my main hashtag, #sharpiescribblestyle, and you'll be drowned in images of my artwork.  My Sharpie art now has a bigger online presence than most successful, mid-sized businesses, and I built that while living homeless, sitting in the libraries or at a McDonald's, on my old, hand-me-down laptop.  In the course of promoting, and actually selling, about 100 major drawings, I got pretty good at social media marketing.  There are a ton of things I still need to learn, and it's a continual process, but I understand the big picture of it now.  This has become another skill set that I can use to make money.  This is the skill set that Rich at Block tapped into, making it worth his while to get me back to California, and get a roof over my head.  This skill set will help me earn more money, as I use it to build up the Block online business. 

So, the night before last, I was able to finally do something I haven't been able to do for a couple of years.  I took the bus to the big shopping area near here, where there's a Barnes & Noble, among other things.  I was able to just relax, take some time off, and "catch my breath," so to speak.  I didn't have to worry about where I was going to sleep that night, or if my clothes and art supplies would be stolen, like they were in Richmond.  I've been an avid reader my whole life, and simply wandering around a book store and browsing magazines and books, is a thing I love to do now and then.  For the first time in several years, I had enough money to actually buy a new book, if I wanted.  As simple as it sounds, it was wonderful.  I browsed through magazines for maybe 45 minutes, and then wandered the store for another hour or so.  It was wonderful. 

But I didn't really find anything I wanted to read.  That spoke to the writer in me.  After wandering for  a while, I started to ask myself, "What do I want to read these days?"  There are a couple of business oriented books I do want to read soon, but they're both $20 or more, and I didn't really want to spend that much.  The store didn't have either one, anyhow.  In fiction, the last novels I really got into were the original Lisbeth Salander books, The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, and the two follow-ups.  The original author died, and the two new books with her character didn't interest me.  I was a big fan of Michael Crichton, and there are a couple of his novels I never read.  But those didn't seem right, right now.  Neither did  any of Clive Cussler's novels, though I always find them a good read.  Dean Koontz' books have some of the greatest characters, but I wasn't feeling his vibe right then, either.  Maybe re-read Heinlein's Stranger in a Strange Land?  They didn't have that either, which was fine. 

I ended up buying the $8 version of Robert Kiyosaki's Rich Dad, Poor Dad.  That was the only book that called to me, and was a price I didn't feel bad paying.  I've read that book 4 or 5 times, and I knew the new, 20th anniversary, updated version would refresh his ideas to me, helping with my work at Block on with my own stuff.  But still, I asked, "What to I REALLY want to read right now?"  That basic question is why BMXers started their own companies 30 years ago, and began to completely re-design the classic, double diamond hardtail, BMX bike, into the new, modern, much stronger versions.  That basic question is why people like me made zines in the 80's (and 90's and 2000's, and even today), and while people blog, and why we started making our own BMX freestyle videos in the late 80's and early 90's. 

That basic question, "Why doesn't somebody make (do, write, produce, build, film...) ______________?"  That's the question that leads to creative progression.  I realized that the book I REALLY wanted to read, was an idea I had in my head, to write, for a long time.  So I headed back home, and the next morning, I began writing it.  It'll be a big, fat zine soon.  I'll let you know. 

So that's where I'm at.  I was finally able to let go of the frantic struggle to survive, the homelessness survival mentality, to some extent, and relax a little.  That's a good thing.  And mixed in with all the other stuff I spend 15 hours a day doing, I'm writing a new idea, one I've had in the back of my head for maybe 15 years.  It may be a really cool zine.  Or it may completely suck and fail.  I'm OK with that.  If writing it didn't scare me, it wouldn't be worth the trouble.  That's the nature of creative projects.  You gotta take chances.  Now go do something you think needs doing.  And light up the night.

Creative Life 2/22/2019

The weather has been the big issue for me here in Richmond for weeks now.  It has warmed up some, but it's rainy and in the 40's today.  I want to thank all the people who've helped me out over the last four months, mostly to get a room on the really bad, really cold nights, and stay out of some of the worst weather.  I've slept outside in 14 degrees this winter, and once in 20 degrees with only a tiny, 1/4" thick, U-Haul furniture moving blanket, right after my sleeping bag and two blankets got stolen (confiscated?).  I've struggled through a lot of really rough nights, three of which I was pretty sure I wouldn't survive.

So a huge thanks to (ladies first) Alma Jo Barerra, Kerry Getz, my sister Cheri Durham, my NC friend Rick, Scotty Zabielski, Steve Crandall, Chad Powers, Creson, Tobias Rudt, Bill Bunting and Johanna,and whomever I'm forgetting right now.  All of you have helped me survive this winter in some way, and I really do appreciate it.  Those who have sent me money, no matter what you say, I consider that money as a loan, and in tend to pay it back when possible (and buy Creson a sleeping bag to replace the borrowed one that was stolen).  

I'd also like to thank the guys who ordered "The Spot" 2-zine pack from me, but haven't received it yet.  I over extended myself, betting on some artwork sales and a few more zine sales that didn't come through, in order to be able to ship those orders on time.  I will send those out as soon as I can.  I apologize for the delay.

When I escaped North Carolina last August, I landed here in Richmond, a completely unfamiliar city, with $3 or $4 in my pocket.  I didn't know a single person, not realizing  old BMX friend Steve Crandall lives here most of the time.  I was broke and homeless at about the lowest level possible.  Most people have very little idea of what homelessness is like, for good reason, they've never been there.  There are a whole series of levels of street survival, mostly levels of stability in one aspects or another.  I was near the bottom, and I've spent nearly 7 months slowly moving up to a more stable level of homelessness.  There are about 25 levels of housing and homelessness, and I've moved up the ladder a bit.  From the outside, that doesn't seem like much, but it's actually a kind of a win.  Shit, I spent 17 1/2 hours outside during a snowstorm that dumped 11 inches, just being alive is a win at this point. 

But in Southern culture in particular, poverty is most often seen as failure and a personal defect, and a large number of people actually believe that poor and homeless people are being punished by God and actually deserve the trauma of street life.  Seriously.  I was thinking of this last night while waiting for a bus and watching "respectable" guys who have houses and good jobs, walk into the strip joint across the street from the bus stop.

My fingers and toes have taken a beating this winter, I've had frostnip, the beginning of frostbite, a couple dozen times, in my fingers and toes.  I've managed to avoid going past that point, which is a really good thing.

Throughout the last seven months, including the winter, I've stayed as creative as I could.  I've been drawing, but I'm also doing a lot more writing.  I've started my first novel online, Dead Mall Bounce, (intro and 3 chapters ready to read now) which I'm writing serially.  It starts with Chapter 11 now, the first ten chapters will be a flashback.

I've also got "The Spot" BMX zines done, and need to ship the rest out, as I mentioned.  I'm also writing a smaller zine about how I managed to sell 50 major pieces of art, while homeless, while I was in Winston-Salem.  A lot of artists out there show their art, but not all that many sell their work consistently.  This small zine will share what I've learned by selling somewhere around 100 drawings in the last three years, and I'll give more depth on some of those thoughts here in the blog.

Right before writing this post, I listened to this TED Talk on the subject of poverty.  The speaker brought up one great point, Poverty robs people of the future.  In a recent phone call, my friend Rick in NC asked me what my long term plans were.  I knew it would be 35 degrees and rainy that night, potentially fatal conditions.  I told Rick, "Surviving tonight, that's my long term plan.  Then I have to simply survive tomorrow night." When life is reduced to the level of simple survival day to day, there is no future.  No plans can be made.

Now, winter is not done yet (Fuck you Punxutawney Phil!), but we're getting to the point where I can begin to take a longer view of life.  I don't know if I'm going to stay in Richmond for very long, it depends on whether I can begin to make a living REAL QUICK.  If not, Hello SoCal!  But in the meantime, I need to promote my art and writing, and sell what work I can around here.  There are several art scenes here in Richmond, so we'll see how that goes.

That's where I'm at right now.

Focus Daniel-san

If you're from Generation X, you know this clip.  Millennials, you've probably saw this a bunch, too, growing up.  Mr. Miyagi doesn't actually say, "Focus, Daniel-san," but that's how most of us remember it.  This past week was a time for me to find focus.

After almost six months living on the streets since I landed here in Richmond, a friend from the BMX days loaned me enough to get a room for a week.  Many of you reading this would balk at the thought of spending seven nights in a low budget, weekly motel, but for me it felt luxurious.  Seven nights sleeping in a real bed, which was actually really comfortable, able to sleep when I felt like it and get up when I felt like it.  Being warm for seven days straight was epic.  Being able to take a shower when I felt like it.   24/7 wifi.  A microwave.  These things most all of you take for granted, are amazing when, like me, you've been without them for a long period.  But most of all, I slept knowing I would actually be alive the next morning (barring an alien invasion, zombie apocalypse, or well placed meteor).  That's one thing I haven't experienced for seven days in a row, for well over a year. 

I had a whole bunch of drawing, writing, and blogging I wanted to get done.  But I quickly realized just how exhausted and physically beat down I was from the time on the streets.  So I didn't get near as much done as I wanted to, especially the first 2 or 3 days.  The one thing I did get accomplished was to step back from the stress of day to day survival, and figure out where I need to focus for the coming months.  It may not sound like much, but it's huge in my situation.  Homelessness has many different levels, and micro levels, which most people don't realize.  I landed here in a completely strange city, with $3 in my pocket, six months ago, with a back pack and shoulder bag, with a few clothes and art supplies, not knowing a single person. 

Survival on the streets starts at the hourly level.  Where can I go to the bathroom?  Where can I sit?  Where can I sleep?  What's the best way to scrounge up money to eat?  Where can I get out of the rain?  Where can I sleep?  Will I get jumped in this part of town? 

It started with one question after another, minute by minute, hour after hour.  I wasn't even looking to the next day, except for the weather.  To survive homelessness, I've learned to try to stabilize one little aspect at a time.  Humans are creatures of habit, and when you are suddenly in a situation where you don't have any habits, because every basic necessity needs to be met, every question "normal" people never think about, needs to be answered.  Weather, also, becomes critically important immediately.  When I got here it was about staying cool and trying to keep hydrated in 90-95 degree (F) heat.  Then came rain, wind, lightning, cold, cold rain, and I even spent 17 1/2 hours outside in a snowstorm that dumped 11 inches.  It has, by no means, been easy.

My life has been six months of struggling to meet one basic need, get it somewhat stable, and then immediately move on to another.  When you're homeless, questions like, "Should I buy a $1 McChicken sandwich and a drink for lunch?  Or should I buy new trash bags, and spend $4, to keep all my stuff dry?  The trash bags won and I skipped a meal.  Obscure things take on near life or death importance. 

On top of that, my best chance at getting back to making a living is writing and art, which the majority of people (who don't realize Etsy, Shopify, and similar things exist) think is completely stupid.  If I could actually get a job that paid enough to get me back on my feet, I would have, long ago.  Yet I managed to sell some drawings, find a little work, and scrape by.  But taking a step back to really set a direction and make some goals, beyond surviving another night, just wasn't possible until now. 

So that, along with just resting and healing my body and mind, were the thing I accomplished this last week.  I thought long and hard about what makes sense and will help me build a viable business with my art, blogging, and writing.  Yes, I put blogging and writing in two different categories, blogging is a very specific type of writing, and I need to spend more time doing other types, but keep blogging as well. 

So here's what's coming, providing I manage to survive the cold nights and sketchy weather ahead, which is definitely not a sure thing.  I'm going to stop doing so many original drawings of rock stars, and selling the originals.  I have three drawings lined up, now and in the near future, after that my original 18" X 24" drawings will cost $350.  That's actually just above minimum wage for the time I put into them, but they're worth it at this point. 

I'm going to do more smaller drawings, from 8 1/2" X 11" to 11" X 17", and sell copies and high quality prints when I can.  I'm going to do more BMX drawings soon.  Several people have asked about those. 

I'm going to get the zines you guys have already ordered shipped as soon as I can.  I'm really sorry about the delay.  Since my sleeping bag and blankets got stolen (trashed, confiscated, whatever term you want to use), I have to use money to buy new ones right now, that I'd rather use to ship your zines out.  They WILL get to all of you who've ordered them.  I will do more big, fat zines in the Freestyle BMX Tales series, as well, maybe one every 2 or 3 months. 

I just started a new writing project, basically my first novel, which will be published as a blog, free to everyone.  It will have some BMX stuff in it, but is largely a vehicle to express the worldview I've come to, which was influenced by things like BMX and skating, but also by the hundreds of books I've read, and insights I've had along the way. We're in a really crazy era in human history, not just right now, but our whole lives.  I have a lot of ideas on where society is headed, and why things are so chaotic.  This fiction story will attempt to get those ideas across without being completely boring. 

So that's the general plan.  I've got a ton of ideas.  I've put many of them on the back burner in order to focus on what I've realized is most important in my week of taking a step back looking at the bigger picture.  Thanks for reading, and I'll do my best to keep putting pretty cool stuff out into the world.

Decompression: the art of escaping homelessness

If you're a SCUBA diver, or have watched lots of Jacques Cousteau shows as a kid, like me, you know about decompression.  As you see in this video, divers who are extreme depths for a period of time can't just rush back up to the surface and continue on with their day.  They have to come up slowly, wait for minutes at certain depths, and in this case, go into a decompression chamber to let the nitrogen built up in their blood escape slowly.  If they don't, they get a horrible reaction called "the bends."  Decompression sickness is the official name for that.  Divers can die, or experience agonizing symptoms, if they don't take the proper precautions AFTER THE DEEP DIVE ITSELF IS OVER.

One of the many things most people don't realize about homelessness, is that things aren't all unicorns and roses as soon as you get into a house or apartment.  There's an intense psychological mindset that keeps you alive as a homeless person.  It's a survival situation, but not like the TV show Survivor.  Survivor is a game.  It's intense, physically grueling, and takes a heavy psychological toll, but it's still a game.  In the back of their mind, the people on that show know they are going home.  They know their are people watching over them, that medical attention a few hundred yards away, and that a helicopter that can airlift them in case of serious disease or injury.  Homeless people have none of that. Yes, in extreme cases a homeless person can go to the Emergency Department, if they can get there. 

There are many different levels of homelessness, as there are many different levels of housing situations.  The "deeper" a person goes into a homeless lifestyle, the more of a "decompression period" is needed to re-acclimate to everyday society.  That's where I am right now.  A few nights ago, I was alone, in a tent, in a patch of woods nobody cared about... until they realized I was camped out there.  I had no actual weapon.  I did have a couple of fiberglass tent poles I could swing at a small animal if I needed to, but no gun, no knife, no RPG, no AR-15, and no pepper spray.  I walked out to my tent every night, in the dark, alone, unarmed, knowing that I could be attacked in any number of ways by humans, animals, or severe weather.  I laid down to sleep, every single night, not knowing if I would survive until morning.  That's a whole different mindset than on a survival reality show.  It's intense.  and the mindset it takes to cope with that is much different than the mindset it takes to work my way out of homelessness, or to operate as an artist and writer (my particular talents) in everyday life.  The transition doesn't happen overnight. 

It's not the same, but soldiers coming back from a dangerous deployment have similar issues, I imagine, as do people who've just survived dangerous events, serious addiction, a severe car accident, a house fire, a physical assault, or time in prison.  I now have a futon in a cool apartment to sleep on, I have a really cool guy letting me crash there to help me get back on my feet.  But it takes some time to get my head out of "survival mode" and into "normal" society. 

Because I've been in and out of different levels of homelessness for years, and because I've survived a lot of intense forms of assault on my life and well being, I'm fairly well seasoned at this.  I know this transition is necessary.  I can do it faster than a lot of people coming out of a tent could, just because I've done this kind of thing multiple times.  But I know I need to take my time, deal with each day and what needs to be done, and get used to the new situation until I'm functioning in working artist/writer mode and not artist by day/survival mode by night. 

So for everyone out there wondering why some people have trouble staying clean after quitting an addiction, leaving homelessness, coming out of intense military deployment, incarceration, or a serious individual trauma, this is part of your answer.  Don't overwhelm people in these situations, even if you have good intentions.  Give them time to decompress and get their mindset into the new life situation.  Future success has a lot to do with making through the transition period well.

Amanda Hocking: self-publishing success story

One of the first superstars of the Kindle/Apple e-book era, author Amanda Hocking talks about how she started and where it led in this clip.  She started writing vampire-type love stories, as I recall, and put in the work to both write the books, and to promote and self-publish them.  She got so successful, that traditional publishers started coming to her with offers.

I've been writing since my late teens, and have self-published 40 or so zines, written for BMX magazines, a newsletter, and typed up thousands of blog posts.  But publishing a "real" book has eluded me.  My artwork is bringing in money these days, but I'm more of a writer, and hopefully I can make a real book happen in the next year or so.  Amanda did it.  So have many others.  Knowing it's possible with today's technology helps.

Lessons from BMX freestyle: Get around the people who make stuff happen

When I came to Winston-Salem last summer, and camped out in the woods since I couldn't afford a room anywhere, I started wandering around and showing my Sharpie art to people in restaurants and stores to see what they thought.  I went to McKay's used bookstore (AWESOME place, BTW), and the women working in the back said, "Go to Delurk Gallery."  I met several other people who said the same thing, most of them in their 20's.  Delurk, on sixth street, just off Trade, in the space where Urban Artware used to be, is the coolest gallery here in Winston to the college age crowd.

My Michael Jackson drawing above is hanging on the wall there right now, in the "Creatures of Fortune" exhibit, one of 17 pieces chosen from all the talented artists in this area.  If you're a young artist, or a "creative" of any kind, you're probably wondering how a homeless guy who draws in an obscure medium made that happen.  The truth is, I didn't make it happen.  I got around the people who make stuff happen in the local art scene, and my first piece to hang in Delurk happened without me even knowing it.

How did I get to this point, having a drawing in the hippest gallery (to young people) around?  First of all, I  put in the work to learn to make cool looking drawings.  I tried to draw a mural on big sheets of paper in my room with markers waaaaaay back in 2002.  It sucked.  I kept goofing around with markers, switched to Sharpie markers, and stumbled on my "scribble style" technique in 2005.  I started drawing on a pretty regular basis, using my unique style of shading to do different types of drawings, most of which weren't very good.

In late 2015, unemployed and living with my mom at age 49, I couldn't find ANY "real job" in this area.  I made a little money now and then drawing kids' names in their favorite colors, and selling the drawings for $20.  I decided that I could either keep trying to get a lame ass minimum wage job, or I could focus 100% on turning my art (and writing) into a small business.  It wasn't much of a decision.  Obviously, I went all in on art.

I sat down one night and spent over two hours looking at all kinds of artwork online, asking myself, "What would I want to put on MY wall?"  It's a simple, but powerful, question.  I love the colors in graffiti art, the wide array of street art, and I kept coming back to stencil art.  I found a very simple stencil art picture of Bruce Lee's face.  So I printed it out, blew it up on a photo copier, and transferred the outline to my paper, then I drew it and colored it in using my Sharpie scribble style.  It wasn't amazing, but I liked it, and I did actually put it up on my wall.  I realized I was on the right track, and I started drawing picturse of people,working from photos, mostly athletes at first, that had deep shadows and stencil-like looks.

In the time since then, I've drawn around 80 to100 drawings, most of which took 18 to 25 hours each, some as much as 40 hours each.  I stepped up my game.  I kept improving, and still am improving.  I learn little things on every drawing.  I promoted my work online, and sold a lot of drawings super cheap, $1 to $2 an hour for the time I spent drawing them.  Over the last two years, I got better.

I finally got to the place where my drawings, all by themselves attract attention.  Then I came over to Winston-Salem, broke as fuck, and left a toxic living situation where I never could have made a living with my art.  That was necessary, but it meant going back to homelessness.  I kept drawing every day, struggling to survive day by day at the same time.  It was tough.  Really tough.  But I knew it was the right thing for me to be doing right now, and I loved doing the actual work.

A couple of guys saw me drawing at McDonald's, and said I should show my work to the music shop across the street.  That shop was Earshot Music (3254 Silas Creek here in W-S), and the manager, owner, and the art director liked my stuff.  They put a couple of drawings up on the wall, then asked me to do a full show with 8 drawings.  I knew that was a launching pad for me.

To be clear, I don't actively "network."  I figure out who the people are who make stuff happen in the scene I'm interested in.  In this case, it was the Winston-Salem art scene, centered mostly around Trade Street downtown.  Earshot Music is not there, but it's vibrant part of the local art and music scene.  I went there, talked to Phred the owner, and we hit it off.  I don't try to push myself on people I don't really like.  I don't go around talking fast, using Neuro-linguistic programming, and hand my business card to everyone.  I hate that shit.  I go out and meet the people in the scene, show them what I do, and some people and me click, and some don't.  I don't worry about the ones that don't.  I learned that years ago in the BMX freestyle world.  Just meet the people in the scene, and you'll click with some.  Start working with those people.  Forget the rest.

Right when the Earshot show was about to open, I finally made it to the First Friday Gallery Hop on Trade Street.  I showed my drawings to several people, and a woman named Luba really liked my stuff.  She led me around meeting other local people.  She introduced me to Rachel White of Designs, Vines, and Wines, at Studios at 625 on Trade Street.  I talked to Rachel for a while.  A month later, at the next Gallery Hop, I talked to her some more.  She made me a featured artist in her space in February.  She liked my Michael Jackson drawing that I did for someone.  That person never got back to me when I sent them a picture of the drawing online.  So I gave it to Rachel to hang up, along with some others.  Then I had drawings hanging at two places in Winston-Salem.

I wasn't even there the day a person from Delurk Gallery came around, scouting work to have artists apply for the "Creatures" show.  Rachel took the initiative and entered two of my drawings.  Normally I don't like people doing stuff without asking me concerning my work, but it was near the deadline to enter, and I'm stoked he just did it.  As I mentioned, the Michael Jackson drawing made it into the show.  So now, while still homeless (hopefully for not much longer), I have drawings of mine hanging up at Earshot Music, Studios at 625, and at Delurk Gallery.  And to be honest, I didn't work hard to make those happen... recently.  But I put in the time to figure out how to draw with Sharpies, which I was attracted to for some reason.  I think that reason was mostly because I didn't want to learn how to paint.  I wasn't out to create a unique style.  That failed mural attempt just really pissed me off, and I was determined to find a cool way to shade with Sharpies. 

The recent part, working into the local art scene here, is based on something I learned in the BMX freestyle world in the 1980's.  In Idaho, I got into BMX racing, then freestyle, and went to a show by the only freestyle team around.  I met the guys, Jay Bickel and Wayne Moore, and started riding with them two or three times a week.  In a couple of months, I was part of the team and doing shows with them. 

When I moved to San Jose, California with my family a year later, I started a zine as an excuse to meet the riders in the San Francisco Bay Area, which included a few pro riders.  I didn't think I was a good enough rider to actually just hang out with them.  Within a couple of months, I met them all, interviewed them and shot photos for my zine, and I was part of the scene, which happened to be the most cohesive BMX freestyle scene anywhere then. 

Intuitively, I sent copies of my zine to the guys at the BMX magazines.  A few months later, at a big contest, I went up and introduced myself to Andy Jenkins and Lew from FREESTYLIN' magazine.  Much to my surprise, they said they really liked my zine.  That led to writing an article for the magazine, which was a huge deal in those pre-internet days.  Soon they offered me a job, and I "stumbled" into the BMX freestyle industry, and later the skateboard, video, and TV industries.  Along the way I realized that the two main things I was doing were: 1) Working hard to make a cool zine, (and later other cool stuff, like videos), and 2) I was finding and meeting the handful of people who actually made stuff happen in the BMX freestyle world.

In any scene (art, music, BMX, skating, whatever), or business, or industry, there are a relatively small number of people who make most of the stuff happen.  Do something cool, and then send it to those people.  Or meet those people at an event, and give them a small gift of your work.  That's a totally different mindset than say, stalking Kim Kardashian and trying to get her to give a shout out to your handmade jewelry or something.  Tons of people try to do that these days to get hype from "influencers."  Don't.

Work on whatever creative thing it is that you do.  Get to where it's pretty good... maybe even great.  Then give it to the people you admire in that world.  Lots of people ask those people for their influence or hype.  But not all that many people will just give the people they admire a small gift with no expectation of them helping you.  It's not hard to do, and the people who make stuff happen don't get that many personal gifts like that.  You will be amazed how many people will respond.  Many will remember your gift much later on.  But don't just do it as a quid pro quo.  Give a gift... a TRUE gift, without expecting anything.  Then just go on with life.  Some of those gifts will help you connect with the people who make stuff happen.  When you get around those people, opportunities will just start coming your way.  Yes, HARD WORK is a definite part of the equation.  But if you're doing something creative that you enjoy doing, it doesn't really feel like work. 

How crazy can this get?  At one point in the '90's, I made a little zine of my poetry, handmade, typed on a typewriter, and photocopied.  They were cheesy, but some of my poems were halfway decent.  I sent those zines out to several of my favorite writers.  Like real writers who published real books.  And then I just forgot about it and went on with daily life.  I got four or five thank you notes and letters back from my favorite writers, all very positive.  In fact, I got a form letter back from best selling novelist Dean Koontz, who gets thousands and thousands of fan letters.  He hand wrote two lines at the bottom.  That blew my freakin' mind.  Guess what, I read several more of his novels in the next few months.  If you happen to be a Koontz fan, write him an old-fashioned snail mail letter.  He has a newsletter he sends out to fans that write to him.  It's awesome.  That's his way of giving a little gift to his readers, the opposite form or what I'm talking about here.

This is one small part of getting to the point where you can make a living from your creative work, which is what I'm working to do myself.  And it IS work.  But in today's high tech, info age, hyper-connected world, there's a lot of work out there for creative people.  So take the time to develop your craft, work hard, and get around the people in your world who make stuff happen.  You'll be amazed what that can lead to.

January 25th, 2018- Collapsed tent, conspiracy theories, and cash flow

As a homeless guy working on building a business from my art and writing, 2018 started out rough.  I currently qualify for food stamps, but I let my mom a big chunk of them last month when I was staying with her for a while.  Because of that, I ran out way early, and was waiting for them to come in early this month.

I did three drawing projects over the holidays, and expected to get paid quick for two of the drawings early in the month.  That money didn't come through.  So I was super tight financially.  Running a super small (soon-yo-be) business, that means waiting to take action on one thing or another.  But since I'm homeless as well, running out of money means running out of food money.  I didn't quite get there, but it was close.

On top of that, we got hit by the crazy cold polar vortex for a week and a half.  It was like a perfect storm of misery for my circumstances.  So instead of getting a decent sized chunk of money, and starting new projects, I was thrown back into a moment by moment, day by day, struggle just to survive.  My thoughts were like, "Really?  Isn't the other stuff going on enough?" 

My food stamps came in, and I made a bit of money from other things, and I squeaked by.  THEN we got hit by six inches of snow last week.  A friend let me crash on his couch on the cold night before the snow, so that really helped.  Then I got some money for one of the drawings the next day, so I was able to get a warm, cozy, sketchy-ass motel room (and a $5 Little Caesar's Pepperoni pizza), and sit out the snow storm watching TV and skate videos online.  That was a much needed break.

But after those two nights, I had no idea how my tent had handled the snow.  I hiked out to it the next night... and couldn't find it.  At that point, I realized I shouldn't have waited until after dark to go there.  Eventually I found my tent, about 80% collapsed.  Not good.  I managed to get the frozen zipper open, and crawled into the one spot that was still standing.  I curled up under my bedding, with my head facing downhill, and managed to get a little bit of sleep.  It was a rough night.

Then the weather warmed up the next day.  For most people in North Carolina, who hate snow, that was a good thing.  But for me, it was a mixed blessing.  Melting snow means water.  Water, water everywhere.  The next night, my bedding was wet around the edges, my tent was still mostly collapsed and frozen under six inches of snow, and the temperature was around 25 degrees.  It wasn't near as bad as the night before, but it was still pretty rough.  The water slowly soaked through to me as the night progressed.  Lame.

The day after that, I shoveled the snow off my tent with a big stick, and got it mostly standing again.  I also bought some clothesline, tied it between a few trees, and let all my bedding dry out.  That night, thought still hitting about 28 degrees, was WONDERFUL.  Since then, things are have been going better.

Yesterday, while I was doing a little drawing at a fast food place, a guy came in and started talking about conspiracies and bunch of other stuff.  The "I've got earbuds in which means leave me the fuck alone" memo hasn't made it to North Carolina, apparently.  I kept trying to get back to drawing, but he kept talking.  He wanted my take on all sorts of conspiracy ideas.  This is a standard under cover cop/agent questioning technique.  Find where someone hangs out, strike up a conversation as in a casual way by talking about something you know already that the person is interested in.  But this guy wasn't near as good at it as people I had question me in California years ago.  Maybe he was just some nutcase.  It doesn't really matter.  The vast majority of "conspiracy theories" now are just propaganda to distract people from what may really be going on.  He went through the list, The Illuminati (total BS), chem trails, other random things, and the crazy idea du jour, targeted individuals.  There are some conspiracy ideas that you simply shouldn't talk about at any given time, and targeted individuals are in that category these days.  If it's not real, then lots of people are psychotic with the same symptoms.  If it actually is some black ops program being done by some group, then the truth won't come out for 20 or 30 years, and the anyone caught in it is just fucked.  Kinda like Alex Jones is.  He may have made some sense 20 years ago, but now he might as well be Breitbart, getting fed propaganda and spoon feeding it to the masses of idiots out there. 

I've got another drawing order to work on right now, and I'm going to have at least one of my drawings in a front window, on Trade Street in Winston-Salem, for the February First Friday Art Walk.  That will be the first time one of my original drawings will be up in the Trade Street art district here.  More on that later.  So that's what I've been up to.  Oh, I'm writing a small book on building creative scenes, as well.  I'm just working day after day, and things are slowly improving on the lifestyle level.  I'm thinking about the last few weeks as just a "darkest before the dawn" period.  I'm doing better now.  Onward...